Do you deal in feelings or data?  And what about your partner or spouse?

I don’t know about you, but because I am a “feeler” my emotions are my strongest way of experiencing people and the world.  My dear husband is a thinker, so that’s his way of experiencing the world.  I deal in feelings and he deals in data.


Let me give you an example:  If we came home and the house had burned down my reaction would be: “Oh! I can’t believe this. Look at this. We will never make it through this, our pictures, furniture and our life has gone up in smoke (tears, screaming general hysterics…it the end of the world…you get the picture). My husband’s reaction: “All right. Let’s think about our options and what we need to do first.  Call the insurance company, find another place to temporarily live, see what can be salvaged, we are all alive, it’s just the house, not our lives or our family…it could be much worse.” He would get his “yellow legal pad”, pen and being plotting our course.  Thank God for Martin my husband. And you know what?  He calms me down and helps me get some perspective.  However, I think I have really helped him learn that emotions can be helpful in letting you know how you feel about something. I almost always know exactly what I feel (that’s call being differentiated).  My husband goes by “data points”.  That makes sense when you understand he is an M.D., Ph.D. former professor at Harvard Medical School and scientist. 

I am sometimes held “hostage by my infantile emotions and have had to learn to control my feeling by self-discipline and learning to “talk” to myself.  My husband has been so wonderful in helping me learn to “modulate” my responses to life.  I, on the other hand have helped him not to be so afraid of his feelings. He now realizes that feelings can be helpful in understanding yourself. Both of us, through the help of each other, have done emotional self-nurturing.  If you have had a difficult or traumatic childhood you might need help with a professional to help learn how to cope with your feelings or to face and work through the deprivation, loneliness, neglect or violence of your childhood. It is really very hard to emotional give to others if you aren’t able to be there emotionally for yourself. 

Much more about understanding your emotions can be found in my new book “Finding the Port that has Your Name” which has recently been published as an e-book on Amazon. You can find it at 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *